Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Waiting for the Spikes to Drop

How to cut costs in baseball
Okay, so the Tribune Corporation has excluded the Chicago Cubs from its bankruptcy filing, which probably means even more severe cost-cutting for its newspapers and other assets. But it may be only a matter of time for the boys of summer, so before some creditor lowers the hammer, they may want to focus as much on ROI as RBI. To wit, some suggestions:
1 Forget the long ball -- play small ball instead. Singles hitters are cheaper than home run kings. Smaller guys eat less, too.
2 Remember, every switch hitter and ambidextrous pitcher you hire is a two-fer.
3 Quit throwing all of those baseballs into the stands. In fact, when a ball goes into the stands make the fan throw it back.
4 Quit turning the lights on for day games as soon as a cloud floats into view. We kids could go until 8 or 9 o'clock most nights -- and our pitchers were a lot wilder than yours.
5 Why buy all of that fertilizer? Weeds look the same as grass on TV and more bad bounces will help make up for the offense you lose when you get rid of the big-hitter contracts.
6 Make the innings shorter and the breaks longer. The fans will buy more beer and stuff just to escape the boredom.
7 Here's another no-brainer: pay toilets. Remember all of that beer?
8 Take the names off the players' uniforms and make the fans buy programs to tell them apart.
9 Why run the Jumbotron commercials only between innings? After all, the modern player has learned how to ignore them from the time he could press a remote.
10 Make everyone a part of the marketing effort, including the Ump. "Play ball." What kind of call-to-action is that? It should be "Buy now!"


Michael said...

Good ideas, Dad. Perhaps every time something happens the P.A. announcer can name a sponsor: for example, "That single was just brought to you by Conrads Tires." They do it on the radio, why not at the game?

Mike Q said...

They're already doing that with the "Heinz red zone" and other labels.