Writing for the Ear – with Humor

Once again: You can't make up this stuff

2012-01-20T11:23:00.003-05:00

From today's Plain Dealer: A man takes a new car out for a test drive - committing two burglaries in the process. When the second homeowner confronts him and asks, "Who are you," the man replies, "I'm the guy who just got caught."

It calls to mind the commercials where the customers forget they don't yet own the car and the sales person has to remind them, "Uh, shouldn't we being going back to the dealership now." In this case the dealer rep might have said, "See how much that trunk holds? Now -uh, what are we going to do with all of this stuff?"
As I've said before, you can't make it up.

Keeping ahead of broadcast trends

2012-01-12T17:52:00.003-05:00

I can't remember when I first heard a broadcast journalist use ahead of, as in "the candidates are making their final appearances ahead of Tuesday's primary" but now I can't recall a broadcast when I haven't heard it.

Whatever happened to prior to, leading up to or even before? It's another example of how an innocuous term can quickly gain a foothold. (See metrics.)

Interestingly, political coverage also includes the more traditional use of ahead of, as in "Romney pulls ahead of the field."

Hmmm, we could do even better:

"Romney appears to be running ahead of the field ahead of next Tuesday's primary in his quest to be a head of state."

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Eating one's words - a recipe

2011-12-30T12:44:00.005-05:00

Year end reflection:

One of the many subjects I never got around to addressing dealt with lifestyle maven Martha Stewart - specifically, her 2004 prison term that followed her conviction for obstruction of justice over questionable stock sales. I was going to suggest how she might have incorporated the experience into her homemakers' advice columns. You know, how to:

Personalize your cell
Accessorize your jumpsuit
Make hors d'oeuvre out of bread and water

Then earlier this month I heard Martha on NPR discussing her latest book (the 75th), Party At Martha's: Stewart's Tips For Entertaining, which features a ceramic nativity scene she crafted - in prison!

"When I was incarcerated at Alderson in West Virginia for a five-month term,
they had a ceramics class," she said without a trace of embarrassment. "In the class was a storage warehouse room where I found all the molds for an entire large nativity scene.

"I was able to purchase enough clay with my monthly stipend ... I didn't get a lot of other things that I would have liked in that five-month period because I bought clay instead. And I molded the entire nativity scene."

How about that. Instead of sitting on her government-issue bunk brooding over this interruption in her billion dollar career - like I would have - she made a creche!

Stewart even took on inmate rights, declaring her fellow prisoners risked "severe depression" because of false hopes raised by a Supreme Court ruling striking down federal sentencing guidelines.

I have to admit, the lady knows how to deal with personal failing: take it head on and turn a weakness into a strength. Besides, we're all made of clay.

Can't remember the last time I forgot

2011-11-10T21:44:00.003-05:00

Probably the worst thing that can happen to any speaker is to have one's mind go blank in the middle of a presentation. So, regardless of your political bent, I think we can all sympathize with Rick Perry for his excruciating memory lapse during last night's Republican presidential debate.

Obviously there is little danger of memory loss when you're reading from a prepared text. But what about extemporaneous situations such as the one in which the Texas governor found himself? How do you organize your content so you can deliver it without a script or even notes?

Normally keeping the message as simple as possible and using the principle of three's makes it more memorable for you, not to mention the audience.

In this instance the message couldn't have been more simple: If elected president Perry vowed to eliminate three federal departments, each described by one word.

Commerce, Education and --

One can only picture Perry's aides frantically doing push-ups and jumping jacks in a vain attempt to help him remember --

Energy!

I think he may have been preoccupied with style rather than message. "Do I appear forceful enough, sure of myself, presidential?"

It's the same as trying to concentrate on remaining calm.

A waste of energy.

Presentation - with and without rehearsal

2011-10-26T11:25:00.003-04:00

I failed to note the source but I read recently how some directors - Woody Allen, among them - feel that they get better performances from their actors if they shoot movie scenes without rehearsal.

This called to mind a church lector who felt he read the biblical passage with more energy if he didn't review it beforehand.

It also reminds me of Lowell Thomas - writer, world traveler and broadcaster - who died 30 years ago. Thomas almost never read his news copy before going on air and consequently found himself, for example, refering to Hershey employees as "the folks who make chocolate bars, with and without nuts." Often such a gaffe would send him into a fit of laughter but, since he was Lowell Thomas, it didn't get him fired.

For the rest of us, however, it's essential to rehearse our presentations - out loud - until we're comfortable with them.

You read it here: 'Man Bites Snake'

2011-09-14T12:31:00.002-04:00

In the newspaper business it's known as the "Man Bites Dog" story, an incident in which the facts seem upside down, as in a recent article: Police in California (where else?) responded to a report of an injured man only to find that the real victim was a python who had been bitten - twice - allegedly by the man.

A story like this gives reporters and especially copy editors a chance to have fun - to wit, the headline on this posting. But the piece in the newspaper was pretty bland, noting how the snake appeared well following emergency surgery. Only where was the punchline? How about --

Apparently the man was of the non venomous kind.

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Beware the 'loss of essence'

What do you know? Sterling Hayden may have been right. As the crazed General Jack D. Ripper in Dr. Strangelove, he warned Group Captain Lionel Mandrake (Peter Sellers) that women are after a man's "life essence."

Now comes a study concluding that a man's testosterone levels decline after he becomes a parent. I for one think the issue isn't the man's bodily fluids, but the baby's. Once in a while the wife just wants the husband to change the diaper.

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Shaking up the status quo

2011-08-24T13:32:00.005-04:00

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if the after-shocks from yesterday's Virginia earthquake continued for awhile, at least in Washington DC.

Who knows? We might see Republicans and Democrats holding onto one another for support. The tremors could even crack open closed minds. Insurmountable obstacles could crumble, leaving our government once again exposed to compromise.

Now, that would be earth shaking.

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Unfortunately, the politicians will probably spin the earthquake just like they spin everything else. Republicans will blame the Democrats' opposition to drilling, contending it would not only respond to our energy needs but relieve geological stress. Democrats will blame the Republicans for opposing a new EPA (Earthquake Prevention Agency).

We're all thumbs

2011-08-15T14:45:00.004-04:00

The fact that texting is replacing talking among our youth has not gone unnoticed at the Federal Communications Commission. The FCC envisions a 911 emergency response system that will also accept text messages.

This marks a big step in evolution. The opposable thumb, which gave us primacy among primates and helped us spread all over the world (by flagging down free rides), will now enable us to summon police, fire squads and other first responders. OMG! Can't you just see it?

SSMC (Someone stole my car!)
ISS (I smell smoke!)
TBICO (The baby is coming out!)

Sometimes it's not what you say, it's what you don't say

2011-07-29T14:19:00.004-04:00

As a commentary on presentations, this blog centers on what presenters say and how they say it, but for many leaders the most important factor might be what they don't say.

It's unlikely, for example, that we'll find any evidence Rupert Murdoch or his editors ever gave explicit instructions to hack into voicemail accounts or do anything else unethical. But what they probably said was something like: "We expect you to get the story and if you can't do it we'll get someone who can."

Likewise, out of all the executives guilty of corporate malfeasance in recent years, none was ever heard telling someone to "cook the books." They didn't have to. In a 2005 mea culpa tour of college campuses that followed his imprisonment for wire fraud and money laundering, former WorldCom/MCI senior manager Walt Pavlo described the corporate climate that led to his crimes:

"MCI was a very aggressive company. There were very few parameters given on how you would operate. It was, 'Get the job done. Here are the numbers you're supposed to meet.' I walked in every day to a shareholder price [displayed] in the lobby. What am I going to do to make that better? What was missing was 'How are we going to make that goal?' I never really heard anybody talk about ethics. That leads to a lot of temptations and things that just happen when people are left to their own devices."

The consequences can be tragic when those devices are weapons. Responding to anti-war demonstrations at Kent State University in 1970, Governor James Rhodes held a news conference during which he called campus protestors the worst type of people in America and stated that every force of law would be used to deal with them. Reportedly the briefing he gave National Guard troops was even more incendiary. The next day, May 4, Guardsmen killed four students.

Here's how to have the last word

2011-06-16T12:56:00.007-04:00

On Monday (June 13) the Plain Dealer ran a story detailing the efforts by the Cleveland suburb of Brooklyn to keep American Greetings from moving out - efforts that failed when the company announced it would relocate to Westlake.

When AG departs, will Brooklyn keep the name American Way on the street running into the property?

"Let's put it this way," Mayor Richard Belbier replied, "I've gotten several suggestions from residents on what to rename it."

Best line in the entire piece and a nice way to wrap it up. Unfortunately, after about 40 column inches, chances are not too many readers were still around to appreciate it.

But if this had been a presentation for the ear, the statement would have made for a memorable punch line. As I've said before, listeners tend to remember the last thing they hear. Make it special.

Two can be better than one

2011-06-08T12:46:00.004-04:00

On the surface it would seem easier to deliver a presentation in tandem with another. After all, you're not standing at the podium all by yourself. You have a colleague to support the message and, at the very least, give you a break once in awhile.

That's not to say it's easy. In fact, a duo may require twice the preparation of a single speaker. You have to decide who's going to carry what part of the message and how you'll hand off the spotlight to each other. You have to avoid any choppiness, redundancy or unevenness.

It would be hard to imagine a better duet than the one presented recently at the City Club of Cleveland by Cokie and Steve Roberts, arguably Washington DC's pre-eminent news media couple.

Speaking about From This Day Forward, the NY Times bestseller that chronicles their experiences as an interfaith couple, each was succinct, humorous and affirming. They clearly displayed their mutual respect right up to the end when Cokie gave Steve a third signal that time was up.

With just a hint of impatience, Steve said, "I understand, Cokie," she giggled and he wrapped up his remarks.

2011-04-27T22:04:00.010-04:00

We return now to the attribute of succinctness and its particular revelance to writing for the ear.

Which, of course, leads to the subject of the manual typewriter. What brought this to mind was an NPR report this week that the company in India believed to be the last to manufacture this Industrial Age relic will end production.

It is a bittersweet occasion for me. Without the typewriter I might never have written for the ear or anything else. It helped me take the jumble of thoughts in my head and organize them on paper. Had I been left with my struggling longhand, I would never have gotten it done. For me, the root of "cursive" is "curse."

Even with the typewriter, though, it was hard work. I went through high school and college using my mother's 1930 Royal. I nearly had to stand up in order to hit the keys hard enough before the letters would show up on the page. Once I'd achieved a clean copy, any further edits had to be of life-or-death importance before I'd even think of retyping it.

With the advent of word processing and the evolving computer the life of a writer became better and so did the writing. Now you could convert that jumble of thoughts into clean copy on the first draft. More importantly, you could fine tune it right up until deadline.

This is especially critical when writing for the ear, where the smallest change -- saving a word or even a syllable, simplifying a verb, a modifier -- can make a big difference.

I'll admit there was one thing you could do much better with a manual typewriter: vent! So you pound out a lede, read it and don't like it? Rrrrrippppppp it out of the cylinder, ball it up and toss it into the wastebasket.

Somehow, pressing delete isn't nearly as cathartic. But any time I really miss the manual typewriter I'll find one in a museum.

Why didn't they ask me?

2011-04-18T12:35:00.003-04:00

I was hoping the FAA could solve the air-traffic-controller-sleeping-on-the-job problem on its own but it's clear I have to step in.

Attack the problem head on:

• Prohibit pajamas on the night shift.
• Ban stuffed animals from the control tower.
• Randomly test shirt collars for drool.

Instead, officials are reducing hours and adding staff. Best of all,FAA Administrator Randy Babbitt will visit controllers around the country giving them pep talks.

If that doesn't put them to sleep nothing will.

When 'more' might be less

2011-03-22T18:23:00.002-04:00

"And more."

Have you noticed how many promotions end with that phrase? Such as -- "Great food! Great entertainment! And more!"

The cynic may think that whatever is covered by "more" must not be all that great or it would deserve its own plug.

Even so, I realize how useful this technique can be in achieving the principle of three's -- organizing one's descriptions, facts, arguments and overall message into three-part structures. It gives content a degree of depth without getting tedious. The cadence isn't bad, either --

"Bah, bah, ba-bah!"

But now we only have to come up with the first two and for the third simply add, "and more."

That's what you get in this blog -- wisdom, wit and more!

Fair warning: This product could erase your legacy

2011-03-10T12:52:00.001-05:00

The Plain Dealer's "You Docs - Health Tip" this week hit pretty close to, uhh, home. Briefly, it was about laptops and how they could warm up a man's testicles enough to kill the sperm.

Fair warning for computer scientists, programmers - and bloggers! Not good news for athletes, either, I would think. Jock straps are nothing if not snug. Insert a cup and you've got yourself a little pressure cooker.

What about cyclists? Equestrians? That stallion makes for a great sex symbol but it could be a trojan horse.

Remember, tight jeans could make for light genes.

Wires - now you see 'em, now you don't

2011-02-22T10:24:00.005-05:00

The wires of our light rail system acquired a silvery beauty this morning although they temporarily lost their primary function, to power the system's rapid transit cars.

Which reminds me how progress has always carried a touch of irony. Once communities took pride when they became wired -- for electricity, telephone service and cable TV. Today the buzz is all about wireless.

Of course, no one has figured out how to transmit power through the air, although it's a rediscovered source. That's why Cleveland's location on the shore of Lake Erie may not only give the city a leg up in the development of clean energy, it may improve our image.

Now that's what I call a wind-wind opportunity.

So have you noticed?

2011-01-04T13:09:00.004-05:00

I listen to NPR and I'm struck by how often people begin a statement with "so." It occurs less often in print, although I've done it before in this space to give the blog more of an informal quality, a sense that we're having a continuing conversation.

But the usage of so that I'm hearing is by people who are simply answering questions. They don't need the transition that so provides. The word seems to serve as a starter, something to break the silence as they form their response.

You've got to admit, so is better than uhm or you know.

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I had an English prof in college who used random words not only to get going but to keep going. As I attended his lectures on Shakespeare I began to hear "it was" in places where the phrase didn't fit. He might say, "Scholars consider Richard II one of Shakespeare's early plays but - it was - we can see hints of his later work."

This instructor had a stammer that was so severe at times he would appear on the verge of choking. Gradually I realized he used it was when he felt a stammer coming on.

You might think this speech characteristic would have ruined his effectiveness as a teacher, especially a teacher of Shakespeare, but it proved no impediment. He earned a reputation as one of the college's top lecturers.

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While we may not stammer or stutter, most of us have trouble pronouncing certain words or phrases, but some preparation can help us avoid the problem.

Now we're cooking with apps

2010-12-16T10:45:00.002-05:00

On smartphones they're called apps, short for applications. They enable us to do so many things we might forget we can still make phone calls with them. The latest in the news -- this morning -- are cooking apps with which you can store not only that new recipe for flapjacks but the video that shows you how to flip the skillet.

Still, they haven't answered my needs. I'm looking for apps that tell me which parking meter has the most time remaining, which checkout line will move the fastest and where I left my glasses.

Back to cooking, I can just imagine a femme fatale consulting her e-mobile device for help in poisoning her lover. It's what they used to call a killer app.

WikiLeaks, arsenic & coeducation

2010-12-07T11:32:00.007-05:00

Even as US officials decide how to go after WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, he threatens to deliver his next bombshell.

What could it be? How about a heretofore secret rough draft of the Bible which reveals, among other surprises, a reference to "the other woman" in the Garden of Eden?

The news that bacterium can live on arsenic in place of phosphorus has many imagining new life forms on Earth and even other planets. But it may also present a new defense strategy for the wife suspected of poisoning her man.

"I was trying to help him in case phosphorus gets too expensive," she could plead. "I just fed him too much."

Taking coeducation to its logical conclusion, George Washington University is one more institution of higher learning to offer gender neutral housing, allowing male and female students to live in the same dorm room.

Will this lead to an expansion of the college Greek system - from Fraternities and Sororities to Paternities and Maternities?

Body scans: the bare facts

2010-11-23T13:03:00.006-05:00

In all of the hoopla over the Transportation Security Agency's enhanced screenings, many loud complaints have been aired by those who feel violated by the body scans or the pat-downs.

Left out of the discussion is another group of victims: the TSA employees who have to examine, albeit in a filtered way from a distance, hundreds of bodies. Folks, even among the fittest, there are very few people worth lingering over. This is not a job I would covet.

Meanwhile, nearly all of the news about Afghanistan tends to be bad and yesterday's report that we may have been exploring peace with a Taliban imposter can't be termed a "good" story. But, really, it's kind of funny isn't it?

I mean, can't NATO and US negotiators tell a fake beard from a real one?

In fact it makes you wonder: Was that really Stalin at Yalta? Didn't the moustache look like it was coming unstuck a little?

Anyway, the next time we try to talk turkey with the Taliban we should ask a few questions such as --

What's your mother's maiden name?
Where did you meet your wife?
What's the last four digits on your credit card?

Or maybe we could just have TSA give 'em a body scan.

"Based on exit polling

2010-11-04T07:46:00.013-04:00

... we are projecting a winner in the 2032 election."

Except for the odd recounts and at least one write-in, the mid-term election of 2010 is history -- which means the campaign for the 2012 presidential election is in full operational mode after which it will be on to the 2014 mid-terms.

Face it. National 'politicking' has become as constant as humidity -- except for those rare interruptions when governing takes place. Otherwise our elected officials spend most of their time building up their side, tearing down the opponents' and, of course, fundraising.

Hyperbole, hyperbole. What we need is a little Lowperbole.

Writing out loud ... and 'What was NPR thinking?'

2010-10-22T14:50:00.003-04:00

Last week's local SPJ newsletter (Society of Professional Journalists Cleveland Chapter) linked to an interview by Diane Helbig with John Ettorre. Among the excellent points the two writers shared was the recommendation to read your writing aloud in order to improve clarity and readability.

It's a practice I've followed myself, but Ettorre adds this interesting twist: You can also express what you're trying to say before you begin writing. It's what he often tells people he's coaching to help them get started. He suggests recording one's thoughts and then transcribing them. The result is a rough draft on which to build -- instead of the intimidating blank page.

I can see another benefit in this technique. It automatically produces the succinct phrases and simple statements essential to any kind of writing, especially writing for the ear.

Helbig's discussion with Ettorre can be found on the Blog Talk Radio website. SPJ Cleveland's Writer's Week can be found on that organization's website.

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Thinking out loud doesn't always work out, as Juan Williams demonstrated when he told Fox's Bill O'Reilly how nervous he gets when he sees Muslims boarding his flight. Williams may be out as senior news analyst at National Public Radio, but his new contract at Fox more than makes up for it. Anyway, NPR is surely the big loser. Juan Williams was as valuable to NPR in countering its perceived left-wing bias as he is to Fox in countering its right-wing label.

Score: Fox 1, NPR 0

Only a Name

2010-10-10T21:22:00.004-04:00

This weekend on the excellent NPR program Only a Game, Bill Littlefield reported on a new sport that is gaining popularity -- Chess Boxing. Contestants alternate between trying to out-think and out-punch one another.

What's next? Jiu Jitsu Rummy? Contact Bridge? Bare Pinuckle?

Writing for the Ear ... Aiming for the mind

2010-09-15T11:12:00.002-04:00

Of all the presentations one can make the most challenging would appear to be the persuasive kind. After all, you're trying to convince people of something to which many may be apathetic or even hostile.

Ironically, persuasion is a key factor in almost any presentation - at least any I've ever scripted. Even the most straightforward instructional video -- "Basic Operation of the Thingamabob" -- must answer questions lurking in the audience subconscious, such as:

How will this help me?
What can you tell me about the Thingamabob that I don't already know?
Why should I pay any attention to this?

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Between the never-ending political and ubiquitious marketing campaigns, we're constantly subjected to persuasive messages and every one has a tag line. Most are logical, some are memorable and a few are, well, incomprensible. To wit, the car company ads. Earlier I commented on Toyota's. Here are some more:

Jeep. The things we make, make us.

Saab. Move your mind.

Love. It's what makes a Subaru a Subaru.

Whatever happened to slogans like "See the USA ..." and "Quality is Job 1?" Perhaps the ad geniuses figure the more we have to think about a tag line, the better. Well, I've pondered my three examples and here's what I think:

Jeep. The things we make, make us.
(You are what you drive.)

Saab. Move your mind.
(At least once a day.)

Love. It's what makes a Subaru a Subaru.
(And it's what makes all of those little Subarus.)

More from the 'You can't make this stuff up' department

2010-08-17T07:55:00.004-04:00

Item: In New York on Sunday a woman ordering a plain bagel refused to answer the barista's persistent question, "Butter or cheese?" and wound up on the sidewalk after police ejected her.

She must have loved Jack Nicholson in Easy Rider.

Item: In the Cleveland suburb of Shaker Heights someone damaged a 12-inch by 3-inch section of grass near the 14th hole of the local country club.

Back when I was a caddy, we called that a divot!

Item: In Boston doctors found a pea sprouting in the lung of a 75-year-old man. They also found mushrooms, but won't say where.

Okay, that last part was made up.

In my ongoing campaign for succinct speech ...

2010-08-10T14:43:00.003-04:00

With the Senate having approved a funding measure to save teachers' jobs and help the states pay for welfare, we now have the House returning to the Capital today for what undoubtedly will be called an "up-or-down" vote.

Up or down. It's one of those modifiers like "ongoing," adding nothing to the sentence except more words. With regard to proposals of almost any kind, if a vote isn't up or down, it's not a vote.

I'm pretty sure up-or-down was first applied to vote by politicians who sought to cloak their legislation in the flag. "All we want is an up-or-down vote on the measure," they would say. Clearly, the opposition was un-American in its efforts to delay.

The phrase quickly found its way into numerous talking points, at times to humorous effect. I recall one senator demanding an "up-and-down" vote, which would indeed be a democratic innovation the Founding Fathers didn't envision. Even the media has followed right along.

Besides, except for Spartacus reruns, where have you seen anyone signal their vote for or against anything by thrusting their thumb up or down?

An audience of 12 (plus one alternate)

2010-07-20T13:19:00.007-04:00

As a "writer for the ear" I found jury duty last week fascinating for its revelation of the judicial process where the spoken word is crucial.

I was empanelled in a criminal trial (breaking and entering) in which both prosecuting and defense attorneys used some familiar techniques in presenting their arguments.

The lead attorney for the state sought to identify with her audience, adopting a chatty style during the voir dire and leaning on the side rail of the jury box in questioning witnesses, just like a friendly neighbor.

On the other hand, counsel for the defense employed a more formal manner in addressing the court and that included his body language. Every time he rose to address the judge, a witness or the jury, he quite deliberately closed the top and middle buttons of his suit coat. I'm sure this had less to do with covering up his slight paunch than with telling us, "This is a serious matter. I respect the process and especially you the jurors."

The closing arguments displayed other oratorical principles, such as the State's effort to "tie the knot." In the voir dire the lead attorney had defined "beyond reasonable doubt" by adapting the story of the missing cookies and the child with chocolate on his face. Now her colleague ended with, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, clearly the defendant has chocolate on his face."

Even the defense attorney had to smile. Then he rose and buttoned one last time for his summation, following the dictum, "If you can't argue the facts, argue the law." The State's case rested largely on the log generated by a law enforcement GPA device hidden on the defendant's car that placed him at the scene of the crime. Counsel briefly challenged the evidence - "It may tell us where he was but not what he was doing" - but obviously sought more ammunition. So he looked gravely at each juror and asked in an ominous tone, "How do you feel about the government's ability to track your every move?"

The argument was obviously extraneous and the judge said afterward that had it been raised during the trial he would have ordered it stricken. But it was a nice try and now it was the prosecution's turn to smile.

Then the jury retired and before long delivered the verdict: guilty.

From the North Coast to the South Beach

2010-07-09T11:26:00.004-04:00

Never mind that he hasn't grown beyond the teenager's flat monotone. (With his millions, could he spend a few thousand on a voice coach?) LeBron delivered the largest statement of his career as an aside: "Well, I guess I'll be going to South Beach." C'mon, if you don't want to go to college, at least audit Speech 101.

Besides, wait until he meets some of the residents in South Florida (at left).

In fact, other critters like pythons and lizards have been known to show up in the plumbing. Wait until the King sits on his new throne.

And does he know his new team has a nickname that sounds like the beginning of a Dominion Gas commercial?

'And never is heard a discouraging word ....'

2010-06-15T11:24:00.003-04:00

'... And the bloggers are silent all day.'

Once again the President could have avoided a lot of PR fallout if he had consulted with me: "Mike, what can I say to show everyone how angry I am over this oil spill?"

"Mr. President," I would have advised, "It's not only what you say but how you say it. Most people can convey seriousness, even anger, by slowing down their presentation and speaking very deliberately.

"You, however, nearly always speak slowly and deliberately so instead you may want to speak with increasing speed and with your voice rising in volume. As I've said before, change of pace can convey one's feelings as effectively as any words, even swear words.

"To wit, 'ass.' As swear words go, it's pretty lame and not worth your trouble. 'Dead ass' or 'sorry ass' would have been a little more hip at least but, again, also superfluous.

"Besides, as some New York columnist once wrote (paraphrasing here), if you're going to say 'ass' in front of a lady, what do you say when you get a flat tire on the upper level of the George Washington bridge during rush hour?"

Make it meaningful, mellifluous – and memorable

2010-06-09T12:37:00.009-04:00

Yesterday in California former eBay CEO Meg Whitman, who made a lucrative business out of the bidding process, won her own bid to be the Republican candidate for governor. In her victory statement she gave us an example of alliteration.

Previously I've noted the value for a speaker in rhyming, as long as it's intentional. Alliteration is another good technique for making a phrase roll off the tongue and stick in the mind.

"It's time for a different style of leadership. A new beginning," proclaimed Whitman. "Not glitz, not glamour, not glibness, but guts."

Never mind that glitz and glamour mean the same thing. Whitman had to know this construction, which includes a rare example of double alliteration, would make her's an inviting soundbite for NPR's Morning Edition and other newscasts.

She could have made it scan even better if she had said, "Not glitz, not glamour, not glibness, but guts, and gumption, and guile." That would've also exploited to a greater degree another principle of speechmaking – the value of three's.

Oh well, maybe she'll pay more attention to this blog next time.

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Today World Have Your Say took a break from its normal discussion of more serious events around the globe to invite call-ins and e-mails on the subject of football - soccer to Americans - and whether it's one of mankind's greatest achievements.

Not to brag, but I sent in a comment that was promptly read on air:

"I think football may indeed be the greatest invention – because it led to other innovations like literature, politics and religion. People were looking for anything to take their minds off the game – at least for a while."

Then again, it wasn't the first time I made the show. (That and a couple bucks will get me a cup of coffee.)

'At ease ... Listen up'

2010-05-27T12:32:00.004-04:00

Having already criticized the ubiquitous PowerPoint slide show as a potential distraction from the speaker, I was heartened to learn from a New York Times article that a few of our nation's military leaders share my scepticism.

Now, the briefing is an important weapon in any commander's arsenal, so we can't dismiss their opinions lightly.

A general looked at the tangle of vectors in one PPT and said, "When we understand that slide we'll have won the war." He warned that the computer generated visuals "can create the illusion of understanding and control. Some problems in the world are not bullet-izable." Another was somewhat more blunt.

"PowerPoint makes us stupid," he said.

Thinking out loud

2010-05-13T12:09:00.008-04:00

Who was to blame?

WCPN's Sound of Ideas program this morning dealt in part with the Kent State tragedy of May 4, 1970 and whether a newly-analyzed audiotape contains a command to fire.

To me it is irrelevant whether the Ohio National Guard troops heard someone yell "fire" or saw an officer level his sidearm at the demonstrators. The key factor in the tragedy was that the Guard leadership allowed its soldiers to operate with rifles primed to fire.

At the time, I was running Army convoys in Vietnam. We were in a war zone but had not experienced an ambush for months, so our SOP (standard operating procedure) was to have the safeties engaged on our weapon with no rounds in the chamber. Had the Guard, on a college campus against unarmed protestors, had the same SOP it would have taken not one but three commands to fire.

Win or lose? Stay or Go?

As bitter as it would be, elimination from the NBA playoffs could be more important than victory in keeping LeBron in Cleveland.

Think about it. If he wins an NBA title for the Cavaliers the King will have rewarded the land of his birth and could move on with fewer regrets. However, should he fail this time it would leave the supreme goal unachieved.

Speaking of saviors, where's Red Adair when we need him?

The legendary Texan epitomized a time when the hero could ride in on the white horse and save the day. Adair returned from serving in a WWII bomb disposal unit and went on to battle oil well fires, both on land and offshore. He even came out of retirement to help squelch the Kuwait oil fields set ablaze by Saddam Hussein's retreating Gulf War troops.

Can't you just picture Adair speeding to BP's Deepwater Horizon rig and straddling the blowout preventer ala Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove?

Before there was tweeting there was posting

2010-04-28T22:15:00.007-04:00

Apparently the Library of Congress now recognizes tweets as a literary form.

OMG! Having already poked mild fun at Twitter, I will probably come off as a presser of sour grapes, but -- if tweets, why not their precursors?

Post-it notes.

After all, post-it notes provided a bridge between our offline and online worlds -- such as the note posted on a computer screen telling the user to Check your e-mail.

Perhaps I inherit my regard for this tiny paper medium from my late mother, Dorothy, who chronicled much of her 90-year life on scraps salvaged from used envelopes, direct mail letters -- anything with a blank side.

There were the customary reminders to buy things, call people and send cards. But there were also everyday life events to record, as when she and my father, an Alzheimer's victim, sat near a respected physician at church:

Afterwards he kissed me on the cheek and said I was doing the right thing with Jim and to keep him busy and outside if possible.

Now if that doesn't deserve a place in the people's archive I don't know what does.

Well worth the effort

2010-04-18T22:16:00.003-04:00

One of the interesting aspects of writing for the ear is that the result is a physical thing. These are words not to be read on a page but to be spoken by someone who must take in a breath and then deliver each statement with appropriate volume, emphasis and pacing.

I was reminded of this while listening to WCPN's Around Noon program Thursday (April 15) and Dee Perry's interview with Estelle Parsons, currently starring in August: Osage County at Playhouse Square. The Oscar-winning actress described the effort she expends during the production.

"Your voice comes out of your body," she said. "Your acting comes out of your body. When I wake up in the morning I feel like a truck ran over me and very often when the play finishes my ribs hurt ... and I'm a very in-shape person."

Of course a stage actor must project her voice without any electronic boost. But even someone using a microphone at a podium has to "put something into it," or else his voice will come out flat.

Words that are written for the ear are easier to express to an audience with the proper emphasis and pacing. But it also helps to be physically fit, like Estelle Parsons, and to be nervous, like most of us. As I've said before, we can turn our nervousness into energy. We'll be pretty tired afterward, but it will be a satisfying fatigue.

Another example of 'reality TV'

2010-04-07T22:10:00.007-04:00

Maybe it's just sour grapes on my part, but the key person behind most presidential speeches is no longer the speechwriter, I guess. It's the one who stages the event and picks the people to sit behind the podium, facing out at the viewer.

Where do they get these folks, Central Casting? They appear to be a cross section of Americans, all of them hanging on the president's every word with approval. Obviously we're supposed to relate to them and receive the message with equal acceptance.

Except that I find myself ignoring the speech and paying more attention to this living wallpaper. (Did that guy in the back row just pick his nose? I wonder if you can see the teleprompters from there. I think the woman in the front row is having a hard time keeping her eyes open.)

Now, I can relate to that.

He's a poet, but doesn't know it

2010-03-30T11:05:00.004-04:00

From some otherwise forgotten lecture or article on broadcast news I learned that one should avoid accidental rhyming in presentations for the ear. Why? It can cause the listener to lock onto the rhyme and miss much of what comes after.

The principle came to mind early this morning when I awoke to an NPR report on how the EPA was studying BPA. It seems BPA is another chemical that's showing up in drinking water, but I couldn't tell you much more. My mind was stuck on the cadence of EPA and BPA. (Hmmm, it's tax time - could we work in CPA?)

However, rhyming comes in handy when you want your audience to lock onto a phrase.

The most famous (infamous?) example of this may have occurred during the OJ Simpson trial when defense attorney Johnny Cochran wrapped his closing argument in this mantra:

If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit.

The rhyme may have saved Simpson from a murder conviction.

-----

A more timely example might apply to the current debate over a certain piece of legislation the President just signed into law, a debate one might sum up with a question:

What's more important, healthcare - or wealthcare?

And they'll go through the wash better ...

2010-03-09T21:33:00.004-05:00

Pretty soon "paying with plastic" in Canada won't necessarily mean using your credit card.

The government just announced that late in 2011 it will replace it's paper-cotton bank notes with ones made from a polymer material.

The so-called "synthetic" currency is much harder to counterfeit and should last two to three times longer than the old natural kind (paper and cotton coming from trees and shrubs).

It couldn't come at a better time. Nowadays most people are looking to stretch their dollars.

'Wanna come play in my dad's tower?'

2010-03-03T15:00:00.000-05:00

FAA management has suspended an air traffic controller at New York's Kennedy Airport for allowing his young son to radio instructions to several pilots.

His colleagues probably weren't too happy, either.

"You idiot. If they get the idea a kid can do this job, where's our bargaining power?"

'Send in the clowns'

2010-02-26T14:37:00.003-05:00

I'm struck by one aspect of the health care debate: the idea that the negotiations must take place in full view, on television even. As an abstract theory it's fine, but in practice there's a big problem, especially where our representatives are concerned.

Once they've stated their side of an issue in detail - and in public - it's difficult if not impossible for them to yield on any of those details. If they do, their constituents will jump on them like coyotes on a prairie dog.

If no one can ever "give" it's impossible to have the "give-and-take" essential to the democratic process. That's why events like yesterday's health care summit are so frustrating.

Which brings me to the question: If a conference involving the citizenry is called a town hall meeting, what do you call it when the participants are all politicians? A clown hall meeting?

Don't make me laugh!

2010-02-23T11:44:00.004-05:00

The report this morning that Walmart will sell us not only the television but the programming we'll see on it raises a subject I've been mulling over lately.

The laugh track -- you know, the recorded chuckles producers have used almost since the invention of the sitcom. For a long time I thought the laugh track was a cheap trick to make us think the material was funny. I still think that may be true for some of the inane shows airing these days, but I've come to realize the reaction is also necessary for timing.

As I've said before, the kind of humor I recommend in most presentations is more apt to elicit a smile than a guffaw. But when an audience does break in to laughter, the speaker is well advised to pause and let the response play out.

Some of the better TV shows are taped in front of live audiences but what about movies? Even if you laugh, watching alone in your home theater, so what? That's like one hand clapping. Even with an HD set, surround sound and everyhing, it can't duplicate the experience you get in a moviehouse when the audience erupts in laughter, applause or gasps.

-----

This leads me to another subject (okay, lousy segue but I couldn't think of a better one):

People who call in to a talk show and begin, "How y'all doing?" Sometimes the host compounds the problem with, "Fine, how are you?"

Look, folks, we can hear the show hosts and their guests talking so we know they're well enough to sit upright in front of the mic. And the callers apparently had the strength to dial the phone. Besides --

Who cares?

If we can keep our tweets to 140 characters we can keep our call-in questions and comments to a couple minutes or so. Stick to the subject.

More 'Things We Don't Need'

2010-02-19T13:38:00.005-05:00

The celebrity apology has become so commonplace as to require its own category in the study of speech communication - somewhere between impromptu and extemporaneous. Accordingly, one might expect this blog-on-most-things-spoken to deal with the latest mea maxima culpa - that of one Tiger Woods.

Except that I don't give a busted sand wedge.

Don't get me wrong. I have as much empathy for him as I do for anyone who finds oneself in crisis, even one of one's own making. (The lengths we go through to avoid the gender problem!)

It's just that the only thing about any Famous Persons that might draw my fleeting attention is whatever made them famous in the first place. I could care less about what they do after they shower (or while they shower, for that matter). The only time I might pay any heed to how Tiger strays from the straight and narrow is when he does it on the tee.

Frankly, even in the context of golf, Tiger is merely of passing interest. I haven't played the game since I completed my 12-step program about 20 years ago.

-----

While I'm on the subject of Things We Don't Need, let me touch on another timely example: the report that ranks counties on how various factors affect the health of their residents.

Unfortunately I'm afraid one of the primary outcomes of this kind of official branding will be a further denigration of the low-ranking counties -- like mine, Crooked River. Besides, did we need a study to find out that money and status affect one's health? What's next, research that shows proximity to the lake tends to produce higher humidity?

But then, the faithful reader of this blog (you know who you are) will recall my earlier rants on this kind of thing.

The gift that keeps on giving

2010-02-09T13:56:00.006-05:00

Even though it involves a car, this Toyota story really has legs:
What does a Toyota have in common with a person who has a photographic memory ?

Total recall.

Really, though, doesn't Toyota have the perfect ad slogan?

Moving forward.

The crisis may have caught Toyota napping, but not its competitors. They tried to pick off new car buyers quicker than you can stop a Prius.

Still, it's hard to make up good jokes when reality is even better. Do you know what Toyota's president & CEO rode away in after his press conference?

An Audi

There's the news and there's what comes after the news

2010-02-07T19:24:00.004-05:00

Now that Toyota has come clean on the sticking accelerator pedals, I wonder how many parents are apologizing to their teenage drivers, having blamed them for dented fenders, speeding tickets and tire tracks in the driveway.

-----

Marine biologists have been trying to determine why blue whales sang at a much higher pitch in the 60's than they do now. I think the reason is obvious:

They were imitating Frankie Valli.

-----

The European Union has bestowed its Traditional Speciality Guaranteed label on Naples' most famous culinary creation: the pizza. From now on every Italian pizza must be vetted by a special commission.

But what will that do to the 20-minute delivery?

The S of U address - speaking for the ear

2010-01-28T11:17:00.006-05:00

After watching the telecast of Barack Obama's State of the Union address, I'm convinced the President really has been reading my blog.

- He converted his nervousness (if he was nervous) into energy to animate his delivery.
- He spoke in short sentences -- most of the time at least.
- He used the principle of 3's to organize his speech, dividing it into 3 major parts -- the economy, the economy and the economy, with asides on health care, the Afghanistan and Iraq wars and bipartisan politics.

But he clearly took my advice on humor. He didn't try to open his address with a joke. ("A Democrat and a Republican walk into a bar ....") Instead he sprinkled it with humorous asides:

- Bailing out the banks was "like root canal."
- "I thought I'd get some applause on that one" -- his listing of how he's cut taxes.
- "It should be obvious I didn't take on health care because it was good politics."
- "Let's try common sense, a novel concept."
- On his desire to start regular meetings with both Democrats and Republicans -- "I know you can't wait."

I also liked how he established rapport with his audience by shaking all of those hands on his way in. My only suggestion for his next SofU Address: Make it shorter so you can take questions afterward.

The next voice you hear ....

2010-01-15T13:00:00.005-05:00

Those who listen to National Public Radio on a regular basis no doubt are aware of the end-of-year retirement of Carl Kassell, longtime news announcer for Morning Edition.

I'm sure he is a fine man but, frankly, I won't miss his voice. To me the deep tone is not so much authoritative as it is ponderous.

Besides, it's an anachronism. At the dawn of radio when the devices were primitive, an announcer had to have a voice that could cut through the static and actually reach the listeners' ears. That resonance became the gold standard. One even wonders if Edward R. Murrow, Walter Cronkite and other media giants would have achieved their status with voices of higher pitch.

Tone of voice certainly has been a problem for women. In addition to outright discrimination, the difficulty that female announcers had in breaking into the news business had much to do with the perception that their voices lacked a certain gravitas. Today, fortunately, among those who have been sharing the announcer's booth at NPR with Carl Kassell are Nora Raum, Korva Coleman and Jean Cochran.

I readily admit that many people would disagree with my critique of Kassell's delivery and consider his a classic voice for broadcast. On the weekly Wait! Wait! Don't Tell Me! quiz program, where he continues as "Official Judge and Scorekeeper," the prize is to have his voice on the winner's answering machine or cell phone.

But I'd rather hear speakers who can modulate their voices, adding interpretation to their words and making key points stand out from the rest. And that goes for presentations by those in business and elsewhere.

-----

The Cleveland market has its share of professionals with deep but well-modulated voices, including Joe Cali, Jim Kisicki and Mike Kraft. Several years ago I was part of a video industry organization meeting on the deck of the William P. Mather museum freighter when a sudden storm struck. Over the howling wind I thought I heard the voice of God behind me: "Don't worry. It will be all right." I turned around. It was Cali.

Just tell your audience, 'Sit!'

2009-12-29T19:39:00.005-05:00

As I've said before, one of the more important qualities of any presentation is tone. It should be appropriate to the material and used in a way that focuses attention on the key points.

But nowhere is tone more important than in training a puppy - like Manny (short for Manicotti) the 6-month old mixed breed our daughter brought from Chicago on her visit home. An obedience school graduate, he's learned a number of commands such as sit, stay, leave it, and drop it. But he responds as much to the sound of your voice as to the words.

Just as for an audience, what really gets Manny's attention is tone.

Hidden meanings

2009-12-16T15:39:00.004-05:00

It's always interesting when one discovers a little gem inside of the larger story. So it was this morning as I listened to a segment on NPR's Morning Edition dealing with how British school children are becoming environmentally conscious.

One proposal, for example, promotes fuel-saving social activities like walking or biking to the movies instead of travelling by car. Or selecting a vegetarian entree and eating by candlelight.

They call it carbon dating.

-----

Hmmm, maybe we could turn an often contentious label into something more benign. Take any choice we make that helps, rather than hurts, the world in which we live.

Call it natural selection.

Not to say 'I told you so' but ...

2009-12-10T17:15:00.002-05:00

Did you read the news item in the Plain Dealer about the performance of Merideth Kaye Clark during a production of Wicked? Confronted with a noisy, even violent, disruption in the audience, the understudy went on with her song and finished to an ovation.

"A showbiz disaster became a 'beautiful theatrical moment,'" wrote PD critic Tony Brown, contrasting Clark's showmanship with the reaction of performers who have stopped shows over ringing cell phones.

I noted one of those disasters in an earlier post, but it's nice to have an example of how one can turn a negative into a positive by ignoring the interruption and soldiering on.

Are you 'in the no' or 'in the know?'

2009-12-01T12:22:00.002-05:00

Last Saturday's NPR show, Marketplace Money, included a segment on the growing number of Americans who are "in the no." They have no opportunity to learn new skills, to earn recognition or to advance - assuming they have a job in the first place.

Yet almost everyone can find these opportunities in the associations that represent virtually every industry and profession. Some even have "membership fee relief" for individuals who are in between jobs.

These organizations are usually looking for members who will join a committee, help plan an event or even serve as an officer. The members who step forward almost always gain more meaningful contacts as well as "action items" they can add to their resumes.

As a member of a business-to-business video association I directed a video festival, served as chapter president and represented the organization at national meetings. I had the chance to write regular messages and to speak to members in formal and informal settings.

Unfortunately, in most organizations you have to twist arms to get enough volunteers. People should be fighting for these opportunities.

Those who do find themselves "in the know."

'Sometimes content is more important than grammar'

2009-11-16T14:30:00.010-05:00

For most rules there are exceptions, a fact which came home to me yesterday when I attended a lecture by Loung Ung, author of First They Killed My Father: A Daughter of Cambodia Remembers and Lucky Child: A Daughter of Cambodia Reunites with the Sister She Left Behind.

Besides being an incredible survivor, Loung is also national spokesperson for the Campaign for a Landmine-Free World. She addressed a standing-room-only audience yesterday in the Cleveland Public Library's Louis Stokes Wing as part of the library's Writers and Readers series.

Previously, I have advised against calling attention to one's hoarse voice or other imperfection that may create a negative in the listener's mind.

Loung began her remarks by apologizing for any mistakes of grammar she might make. "English isn't my first language -- it's my fourth," said Loung, who is also fluent in Cambodian, Chinese and French. She then spoke extemporaneously and answered questions for well over an hour -- flawlessly, as far as I could tell.

Rather than a negative, her apology only created one more reason for to admire her. Once an English teacher wrote on her essay - an essay on which she received an A++, "You'll learn to correct the (grammatical) mistakes. But sometimes content is more important than grammar. I heard you."

So did we.

-----

Having come so close to starvation in her life, Loung Ung even now is obsessive about food, always thinking about her next meal. When Y2K doomsayers warned that computer glitches would disrupt food distribition, among other necessities, she knew what to do.

"I went out and bought some sharp knives," she said. "And then I got a map of the zoo."

Loung Ung, as I said, is a survivor.

Glossophobia? I have Anaglossophobiaphobia

2009-10-30T12:01:00.003-04:00

If glossophobia is the fear of public speaking I have a fear of the opposite -- the lack of a fear of public speaking. Among the worst speakers I've ever heard have been people -- usually businessmen (emphasis added) -- who work hard to develop an image of total control, total confidence, total calmness.

They usually leave their audience totally comatose.

The subject came up today on WCPN's Sound of Ideas radio program as Plain Dealer columnist Regina Brett celebrated Halloween by exploring the things that scare people the most. Naturally the guest psychologist trots out the old canards: take a deep breath, imagine your audience in their underwear, "put yourself in the present."

I've come to be glad when I'm nervous. It gives me energy, which helps me animate my presentation. But, I've said all of this before.

Stick to the subject - or someone could get lost

2009-10-12T12:16:00.009-04:00

One of the mistakes a speaker can make is to wander away from the theme. Soon the listeners won't know where they are or when they will get to the conclusion.

The same principle applies to hiking, a fact which became dramatically apparent to me last week.

I was making a short climb up Mount Jo in the Adirondacks near Lake Placid. The trail is somewhat steep and extremely rocky but well maintained by the Adirondack Mountain Club.

After enjoying the view from the summit I started down, intending to take another trail. Expecting to cross the trail at any moment, I foolishly continued until I realized I was getting further and further from the summit - and from the trail. To boot, the forest was growing thicker and thicker.

I was getting lost. Finally I realized the more I descended the farther away I would be from any trail.

Although it made progress all the more difficult, I forced myself to traverse the mountain, climbing as I went. I figured this was my best chance of finding the trail.

After more than two hours of clawing my way through thick undergrowth, avoiding holes, moss-covered rocks and other booby traps, I stumbled across the trail.

Like the audience does when a meandering speech finally makes its way to the end, I gave a huge sigh of relief.

'We interrupt this blog to ...'

2009-09-30T12:51:00.005-04:00

I don't mean to wear out a theme, but examples of interruptions during presentations seem ubiquitous.

To wit, an item I saw yesterday about what happened when a cell phone interrupted Hugh Jackman during the Broadway play, A Steady Rain. The actor halted his soliloquy and glared at the audience member. "You want to get that?" he snarled, pacing the stage. "Come on, just turn it off." When the ringing finally stopped he resumed the play.

The incident was captured by another audience member - one can only guess what Jackman would do to that miscreant - and posted on the TMZ.com website.

Granted, the interruption came during an especially dramatic moment of character revelation and the ensuing applause indicated the audience was on Jackman's side.

However I'll bet everyone left the performance talking not about A Steady Rain but about The Ringing Phone.

Besides, from the time of Athenian drama, stage actors have encountered everything from rude conversations to coughing fits to set malfunctions. The more professional they are the better they can deal with surprises.

Certainly it would have been tough for Jackman to ignore the phone but it had to be even tougher for him to get back in character and for the audience to once again suspend disbelief.

As I've said before, the presenter's best reaction to an interruption is none at all.

How are you celebrating National Punctuation Day?

2009-09-24T18:10:00.003-04:00

The question was posted today on LinkedIn, an online social network for professionals, both freelance and fulltime.

Yes, there is such a day with its own website, the brainchild of an enterprising journalist who drew coverage in a score of newspapers including the Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune and the Boston Globe.

The LinkedIn question prompted more than 25 responses -- none from me however.

Punctuation's purpose in life is to help readers find their way through our prose, not to satisfy grammarians. If there is too much of it the sentences are probably too long and complex. Too many commas and other marks also slow the reader down. They're like hurdles to jump over.

In writing for the ear I use even less punctuation. The sentences are short. There is only one reader -- the speaker or announcer -- who may need direction for pacing and emphasis anyway.

So with all due respect to National Punctuation Day, punctuation is not something to celebrate. I think it's something to tolerate -- period.

As I dined on barbecued sardines ...

2009-09-22T15:41:00.008-04:00

... earlier this month at a sidewalk cafe in Tavira, Portugal, deep in the Algarve, the country’s tropical region to the south, the reality of monolingualism – my monolingualism – was brought home to me once again.

I was wearing a T-shirt I’d received from the De Caro family at their West Side Market produce stand. The saying on the back –

Good food is not cheap
Cheap food is not good

- drew the appreciation of the diners at the table behind me. Their immediate understanding of the saying contrasted with the struggle I had with the simplest Portuguese expression. And this despite weeks of listening to instructional CDs and pouring over a Portuguese-English dictionary. In the end I had to admit, “Sõ falo um pouco de Portuguese, não muito bem.” (“I only speak a little Portuguese, not very well.”)

Fortunately – or maybe unfortunately – in Portugal as in the rest of Europe there is always somebody around who speaks English.

Of course, as the Senoras at right demonstrate, the language of the people is largely visual.

Oratoribus interruptus

2009-09-15T13:01:00.005-04:00

As I've said in earlier posts, I think the best way for a speaker to handle interruptions from the audience is to do nothing.

Barack Obama essentially followed my advice during his health care address last week when Representative Joe Wilson (R-S. Car.) shouted "You lie." "Not true," the President replied almost as an aside before resuming his presentation serenely.

However, Serena Williams was anything but - serene, that is - in her US Open match against Kim Clijsters. She may have even coined a new sports definition for the term "upset" - as in "upset defeat."

Finally, when Kanye West disrupted the dignity (?) of MTV's Video Music Awards, he demonstrated how even the best advice - mine - doesn't work every time. It was fairly impossible for Taylor Swift to ignore West when he sprang to the stage and tore the mic out of her hand.

Anyway, the next time Oprah has one of her pop psychologists on her show to discuss anger management, I can think of three celebrity guests she might invite.

Time - and progress (?) - marches on

2009-09-04T10:34:00.002-04:00

Technology keeps enhancing our quality of life: take the new microprojector, a pocket-size gadget that can turn any wall into a 60-inch screen. Now your brother-in-law can spring his vacation footage on anybody, anywhere, anytime.

Memo to everybody who checks this blog on a regular basis (both of you): I'll be gone for a week. Later.

Now this is what you'd call an 'extreme sport'

2009-08-27T13:16:00.004-04:00

Okay, everyone knows newspapers like the Plain Dealer have had their column inches reduced drastically, causing editors to limit stories to the - uh - bare facts. But the item today about the bear who needed a ladder to get out of a skateboard park in Snowmass omitted some essential information. Even the longer report online didn't answer the question:

Did he have to leave his skateboard behind?

Now if they'll only spend more $ on the campaign ....

2009-08-24T12:16:00.005-04:00

Those who question if American-style democracy will ever be established in Afghanistan point to reports of voting problems in the recent election, as well as concerns over turnout and claims of victory by both leading candidates.

Hmmm. Almost sounds like our 2000 presidential election, doesn't it? Maybe the Afghan people have made more progress than we thought.

And here's your forecast ....

2009-08-13T17:34:00.012-04:00

Anyone who doubts the impact we've had on the weather has only to look at the clouds, where an unusual formation can now be seen - generally in the skies over Washington DC.

'Here's mud in your eye!'

2009-07-30T10:46:00.003-04:00

Today President Obama has his daily briefings and meetings with the President of the Philippines, the Secretary of the Treasury and the Vice President. No doubt he'll be discussing the war on terror, nuclear threats, the economy and other details.

But you can bet all of the media's focus will be on the last agenda item - Happy Hour with Professor Henry Louis Gates and Boston Police Sergeant James Crowley.

I can see it now: The president will emerge, suppress a belch and pronounce the meeting a success. "Talks were constructive," he'll say diplomatically.

But the press will learn things started badly when the sergeant tried to frisk Gates and the professor went over to the White House jukebox and selected "I Shot the Sheriff."

'Would you have a 1/16th drill bit?'

2009-07-27T12:11:00.010-04:00

The incident in which Prof Henry Louis Gates was mistaken for a burglar in his own home has renewed calls for greater sensitivity, better law enforcement training, an end to racial profiling. But what's needed most are block parties -- so neighbors can recognize one another.

After all, could you pick out the guy next door from a police lineup?

At the end of the day ... I give up

2009-07-15T13:26:00.004-04:00

As a writer of speeches and scripts, I have been struck by the Congressional grilling of Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. It reminds me of the challenge I've faced in my own career.

My interest stems from the way the opposition has focused less on Judge Sotomayor's lengthy judicial record and more on a couple of her statements in public forums.

Several years ago Justice Antonin Scalia in a reference to the Court's verdict on abortion rights said, "I did my best to overturn it." Later in the same presentation he decried that Federal judicial nominees are reviewed less "on whether they are good lawyers or not, but whether they agree with us" -- making it clear the reference included questions on abortion.

In other words, judge the judge based on his or her judgments rather than on random comments in nonjudicial settings.

The difference between legal and non-legal has always been fascinating (read "frustrating") since my writing has too often been subject to the edits and/or deletions of an organization's attorney. Lawyers and writers approach words from different perspectives.

Lawyers want their audience to draw only one meaning from what they write. They use language that is so precise it can be unwieldy. But they have a captive audience in the judges, opposing attorneys and other parties involved in the issue.

On the other hand writers like me are trying to reach people who can ignore my material at any point -- assuming they pay any attention in the first place. (If you're still reading this, you're a person of unusual perception.) So what I write must be not only clear but concise -- and catchy.

Most lawyers like "clear," but "concise" may leave too much out and "catchy" -- forget it. Even common expressions aren't safe. I once used the phrase "at the end of the day."

"Do you mean midnight?" the attorney asked. The negotiation when downhill from there.

What am I doing right now?

2009-07-08T12:18:00.003-04:00

Frankly, I'm not sure too many people are interested at any given moment, so I haven't really gotten into Twitter. But the aspect that appeals to me is the 140-character limit for a "tweet."

Virtually all of the writing I've done for nearly 40 years has required me to be succinct. For example, I found it challenging when I had to -- say -- write a one-column headline for a story about the leaders of two organizations who signed an agreement: Heads Ink Pact

The more I've specialized in writing for the ear, the more I've had to develop my ability to be succinct. So it intrigues me to imagine what a tweet would have been like …

… at creation

Just woke up. Look at that: sky, sea, land! Are my ribs sore! And am I hungry! Hey, babe, don’t I know you? How about that, a talking snake!

… when Columbus discovered America

Boats just ran aground. Thought we hit the West Indies, only no spices. And this is no island! But I’m bringing back some smokes, duty free!

… during World War II

I hear bombs falling. I see buildings on fire. But there are the Londoners, putting out the fires, stacking up the bricks, defeating Hitler.

Dumb like a Pulitzer Prize winner

2009-06-24T12:35:00.008-04:00

I'm an avid viewer of C-Span, which tells you something about the humdrum life I lead. But it has its advantages.

Last week I caught a speech given at the National Press Club by David Simon, who created The Wire, an extremely popular HBO show on the drug world in Baltimore. He had been a police beat reporter for 12 years at the Baltimore Sun and talked about what he had learned there.

"Journalists are supposed to be innately curious. I can't tell you the number of people I knew who didn't want to be seen asking the stupid question, or asking any question at all, or didn't want to ask a question where it wasn't clear they already knew the answer and were just trying to catch you.

"The idea of journalism is walking into a room and saying, 'Gee, I don't know about any of this. Help me.'"

In this regard Simon's role model was Homer Bigart (at left in PBS pic) who became a legendary reporter in New York City, although he didn't start out that way.

"Homer Bigart's great gift was he didn't mind being a goof. He had a speech impediment and they didn't even let him be a reporter until his 30s. When the plane hit the Empire State Bldg he was the only one to go up in the elevator with NYC Mayor LaGuardia. He was such a nondescript character no one paid any attention to him.

"Once a captain of industry said to Bigart's editor, 'I can't believe the reporter you sent to interview me. The guy was a complete idiot. I had to explain everything to him."

Bigart went on to win a Pulitzer for international reporting in 1951.

Simon spoke of a drug dealer he'd worked with in researching material for The Wire. Talking to him years later the dealer told him why he'd agreed to help him. "Man, you just looked like you didn't know anything. I felt sorry for you. I figured I had to help you."

"That's my skill set: I have an ear for dialogue - and I'm willing to admit I don't know anything."

Words of wisdom if I ever heard them.

More from the You Can't Make This Up department

2009-06-18T13:18:00.002-04:00

An animal rights organization criticized Barack Obama for swatting a fly during a White House interview and vowed to send the president a humane trap.

Once again, reality trumps fantasy

2009-06-17T11:43:00.001-04:00

Sometimes it's not fair. A guy tries to write a simple blog in which, among other musings, he looks for news stories that lend themselves to irony, mild ridicule or the odd pun. Then along comes the report from an Arizona town where they settled an election tie by drawing from a deck of playing cards, the king of hearts winning over the eight of hearts.

Now I ask you, how does one improve on that?

More Headlines I would have written if I'd had the chance ...

2009-06-10T10:32:00.010-04:00

Sale of Chrysler is 'Fiat accompli'

Tube strike gives London commuters the shaft

Feds let 10 banks out from under TARP

Trump to Miss California: 'You're fired!'

Headlines revisited

2009-06-07T20:05:00.007-04:00

Do you know how when commenting on a blog posting we're required to copy a word to verify we're human? They're supposed to be "nonsense" words, a random series of consonants and vowels. But lately they've started to take on meanings for me. For example --

gortso (gore-tso)

What you call someone who has an insatiable appetite for gory movies, as in, "You're a real gortso, aren't you?"

feinstr (fane-ster)

Someone who is always pretending to be angry, happy, etc. "Here comes the feinstr."

fulnelne (full-kneel-knee)

A medical condition resulting from excessive kneeling: "I'm afraid you have all of the symptoms of fulnelne."

In these bleak economic times ...

2009-05-20T10:23:00.003-04:00

... It's all the more important to celebrate the good news, such as -

The possibility that the Cavaliers will lose one or two games in their NBA playoff series with the Orlando Magic, thus creating one or two more home dates - all to the good for the restaurant employees and others who depend on downtown activity.

The recommendation of a $3.2 million state loan to repair a huge press in Alcoa's Flats plant where 1,000 workers produce complex parts for industrial, aerospace and automotive customers. It'll be even better if those customers recover enough to actually buy the parts.

The resumption of operations at Ford's Cleveland Engine Plant No. 1 - meaning employment for 250 people - and for a lot of robots, too!

Headlines I'd written if I'd had the chance`...

2009-05-18T15:25:00.003-04:00

Hubble on the Bubble

On how the famous space telescope's future depends on the success of NASA astronauts' repairs.

Guards' use of stun guns on children
shocks Florida corrections official

On how some prison employees took part in "take a child to work" day - and went a little overboard.

A waist is a terrible thing to mine

On how dieters should be skeptical of weight loss plans that let you eat whatever you want, don’t include exercise, or focus on one kind of food.

What's in a name?

2009-05-13T12:03:00.003-04:00

Listening to The Sound of Ideas Monday morning on 90.3 WCPN, I was only mildly interested in the discussion of aging bridges - until I heard the names of the two guests and was moved to send an email.

"Did I hear correctly," I asked. "Are the names of the experts discussing the bridge over the Cuyahoga really 'Huckelbridge' and 'Broadwater?'"

Chuckling, host Gretchen Cuda assured me the two experts in fact were Arthur Huckelbridge, Associate Professor of Civil Engineering at Case Western Reserve University, and Jeff Broadwater, Project Manager at Michael Baker Jr., Inc.

Those are the best examples of how names can predestine a person for a career since I heard of the investigation into the "Hudson River" jet.

Identifying the birds that caused the accident was the National Museum of Natural History's Feather Identification Lab, whose director is Carla Dove.

A picture is worth a thousand press releases

2009-05-05T10:41:00.005-04:00

Increasingly, it's not just what you say and how you say it but where you say it.

Politicians have been working on this for some time now, staging their presentations in photo-opp settings, with members of the appropriate demographic as a backdrop. Sometimes they even print a slogan that captures their message and hang it on a banner (what I call a "PR two-by-four") for the cameras to see.

And now the technique has made its way into the world of sports. When NBA star LeBron James accepted the MVP award yesterday, he did so not in the commissioner's sitting room or even the Cavaliers offices but at Akron St. Vincent-St. Mary, the high school whence he burst onto the national scene.

Certainly this was much more authentic than the aforementioned cases where public figures simply use people and places for their self-aggrandizement.

Still, one can only imagine what media wonders we'll see as this trend evolves:

A tycoon, making his pitch for 100 years of tax abatement, reclines on the bed of roses he's promising everyone if they'll let him develop his plans.

A mayor, perhaps in the last city in America to open a casino, appears in front of a slot machine gushing quarters.

A religious leader warns the people to mend their ways, silhouetted against flames leaping from a huge bonfire.

I think you get the picture.

Bit by bit, they're gaining on us

2009-04-27T22:56:00.003-04:00

So IBM is developing a computer program to compete with human contestants in the TV quiz show, Jeopardy. If Watson 1.0 could win the game, it would be a giant step forward for artificial intelligence.

But let's see a computer program spend the prize money.

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Besides, can you imagine Alex Trebek trying to banter with Watson? ("Are your programmers in the audience?")

'Wild horses couldn't make me do that ....'

2009-04-22T11:36:00.001-04:00

Federal officials are looking at contraception as a better means than slaughter for controlling the number of wild horses.

But who's going to get stallions to wear condoms?

Besides, even this won't solve what I call "the equine imbalance" - there are more horses' asses in the world than there are horses.

'Remain calm, I'll tell you what to do ... in a minute'

2009-04-13T15:02:00.005-04:00

Maybe you saw the report today - how an air traffic controller helped a passenger land an airplane safely in Fort Myers after the pilot died.

Even more stunning was how the controller did it - "... by calling a friend in Connecticut who knows the King Air plane and relaying instructions."

Now, I'm no pilot, but even I've heard of the King Air. Do you think the FAA could give its ATC staff online access to a database with emergency instructions for the more common models? Maybe include pictures, even ... "Okay, grab hold of that stick on the right and pull up. No, not the black one, the red one. Then ...."

Instead, one can only imagine the exchange between the controller and his friend in Connecticut:

"Now, hang on, Sir. Stay calm. ('Ring, ring, ri-') Hello, Buddy. Yeah, it's me all right. Listen - yeah, I know it's been a long time. Listen, I - she-she's fine. Yeah, my son's still looking for a job - Buddy! I have to ask you about your King Air. Yeah - No, I don't want to buy it. Buddy! Listen to me? How would you tell somebody who never flew a King Air how to land it before the freeckin' plane slams into the most populated area in Florida! No, I'm not kidding. Yeah, he's - Sir, you still there? - he's on the other line. What's the first thing I should tell him? Okay: Sir, 'The King Air is one of the most dependable airplanes in-' Buddy! Who cares? How do we land the freeckin' plane? Okay, okay, first - Buddy, you're dropping out! That, that's better. Okay, Sir, okay. First, grab hold of that stick on the right and pull up. No, not the black one, the red one ...."

And we thought "The Horseless Carriage" was quaint

2009-04-06T14:22:00.002-04:00

Soon we'll be seeing ads for "The Cube," a "Mobile Mevice."

A new phone, right? No, it's a car that Nissan is going to market especially to the younger driver. So, what's next? Perhaps a vehicle targeting other techies called "The Personal Transportation System." Maybe a model aimed at families: "The Moving Room."

Or how about this for the young male driver: "The pickup." Wait, that's been done already.

To the rescue - the digilantes

2009-03-30T10:19:00.007-04:00

In its latest newsletter the Cleveland chapter of the Society of Professional Journalists poses a number of questions concerning the upheaval taking place in journalism. Among them: should a code of ethics be created for citizen journalists?

But who would enforce the code? We'll have to continue relying on those I call the digilantes - citizen ethicists who are quick to flag online errors and discredit those who make them.

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In other words, post bad information and it'll come back to byte you.

"... As I was saying ...."

2009-03-23T12:33:00.007-04:00

The other day I answered a question on the professional online network LinkedIn regarding cell phone interruptions during presentations. I said, as in an earlier posting on this blog, that the host should deal with the subject "up front" and, if an interruption does occur, the speaker should ignore it.

The more I think of it the more strongly I feel that it is the host's responsibility to head off anything that might compete with the speaker, such as noisy cell phones, HVAC systems and exit doors.

By the way, as an attendee, if you must keep your cell available for a critical call, at least switch it to vibrate. Then you can send unimportant calls into voicemail or take the important one. But, for heaven's sake, hold your conversation until you can exit.

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Only don't be like the poor guy who was attending a top level meeting. Just as his boss was emphasizing a serious point the phone began vibrating, sending our man into a fit of the giggles.

Moral: don't carry your cell too close to a rib.

Words to live by ... then & now

2009-03-19T12:07:00.012-04:00

In the midst of the gloomy stories in the news comes a report in the Guardian this week about a poster that advises, Keep Calm and Carry On.

The aphorism fits so well with our situation one would think it's brand new. However, as ReporterJon Henley noted in yesterday's edition, Keep Calm and Carry On is 70 years old.

"Back in the spring of 1939," he wrote, "it was an anonymous civil servant who was entrusted with finding the slogan for a propaganda poster intended to comfort and inspire the populace should, heaven forbid, the massed armies of Nazi Germany ever cross the Channel."

The invasion never happened, of course, so Keep Calm and Carry On was never used. It was probably unnecessary anyway. People who could emerge from air raid shelters morning after morning to stoicly collect casualties and clean up rubble, as did the Londoners, obviously have KC&CO in their DNA. But it's good advice for the rest of us.

-----

The story relates well to the theme of this blog. Few techniques for implanting a message work as well as a memorable aphorism, slogan or whatever you want to call it. As I noted in previous posts, one of the best practitioners of this is Smokey the Bear and one of the best examples of a rhetorical device is antimetabole.

Don't monkey around, just give us the news

2009-03-13T15:10:00.006-04:00

In London, the Guardian newspaper reported that BBC News presenter Chris Eakin was forced to apologize to George Alagiah. Eakin had, on air, jokingly compared his colleague to the photo of the monkey collecting stones to throw at visitors in a Swedish zoo.

Really, the people who should apologize are TV executives who encourage their staffs to engage in banter that rarely produces anything but lame humor, adding nothing to their news reports.

As I noted in an earlier post, I'm serious about humor, especially when it comes to including it in one's presentations.

To be honest, I almost added to this monkey business by adhering too closely to journalistic convention in writing the cutline for the photo: "George Alagiah (left) ...."

But how did they handicap that first race?

2009-03-09T21:49:00.015-04:00

Archaeologists think the horse was domesticated and ridden as early as 3500 BC.

That means the first parimutuel wager was probably placed around 3499 BC.

Video on de website - Part 2

2009-03-04T14:48:00.009-05:00

Yesterday when I recommended presenting oneself on the web by taking advantage of its multimedia capabilities, I probably should have included an example, however basic. Something like this 30-second soundbite:

Video on de website = video on demand

2009-03-03T12:26:00.003-05:00

The New York Times reports that Thomson Reuters will announce today a "video-on-demand" service for its financial services clients.

"Thomson Reuters wants its clients, like research firms, banks and investment firms, to supply video of their own people discussing financial news," reporter Richard Pérez-Peña writes.

Frankly, I think that businesses and professionals in general – particularly those in "people" businesses (i.e., accountants, lawyers, speechwriters) – should present their personalities on their websites in something more than brochure-like paragraphs.

At least provide an MP3 soundbite when a visitor clicks on your picture – or, as Thomson Reuters urges, do it with video.

In the latter instance, unless they’re experienced TV anchors like Brian Williams, most people would do well to speak in their own words rather than read from a teleprompter. As I noted in an earlier post, the Access Video production company has developed a technique that helps anyone deliver a message directly to the viewer in his or her own words.

A website is like a booth at a business fair where potential customers may visit 24/7. Make sure they find you on the other side of the "table."

Strange but true

2009-03-01T21:26:00.006-05:00

Just heard of yet another study on the danger of cell phone usage. Earlier I noted how researchers have come to the stunning conclusion that texting while driving your car can increase the chances for an accident.

This time the folks with the letters behind their names are discovering that pedestrians can become so engrossed in their mobile conversations they may step into the path of a bus - or a commuter rail car.

But I think the behaviorologists should look into a less obvious outcome of cell phones: how a user who pays too much attention to traffic can screw up the call.

For example, a car turns into your path. You stop in time, yelling "You ---- idiot!" but remember -- too late -- that you're talking to your boss.

Or, after blurting out "Yes!" to the street vendor you find out you not only ordered mustard on your hot dog -- you accepted a proposal for marriage.

Or, after bragging about the sweepstakes you just cashed in, you turn the corner to discover someone who overheard you is now holding a gun.

In the end, you may wish you'd gotten run over after all.

So this guy walks into Congress and ....

2009-02-24T09:33:00.009-05:00

I may be too late, Mr. President -- and you seem to have done okay without following my advice up to now -- but I have a suggestion for your address to the joint session of Congress tonight.

Warm 'em up so they'll be more receptive to your message. It's hard to smile and boo at the same time. So you could begin your address with something like this:

This is a new view of Congress for me. No wonder when they stand up here presidents always seem so serious -- frightened, even. As I look out over the American people's penultimate decision makers, I am filled with hope: I hope the people knew what they were doing! From this angle I think Ralph Nader may be right: You really can't tell the difference between Democrats and Republicans.

Congress may not be a comedy club, Mr. O. But anyone who watches enough C-Span knows it's good for a few yuks.

'Any questions? ... Any more questions?'

2009-02-18T12:47:00.006-05:00

As I've observed previously, no one answers questions anymore, not the politician nor the executive nor the odd baseball player. Each can parry the simplest of interrogatories with the artistry of Zorro.

But it's really not fair. They all have handlers who drill them on what to say – or not say. You and I are on our own. Herewith, then, are some talking points we can use in our daily lives:

Q Hello, how are you?
A My physical and emotional condition at any given time depends on a variety of factors.

Q What's new?
A That's a relative question.

Q What are you going to do today?
A I'm reviewing all options. Everything remains on the table.

And of course, if all else fails:

"On the advice of advisors I must decline to answer."

Finally, remember to thank your interviewer: "I welcome discussions like this and the opportunity to present my side of the issue."

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You have to admit, we should thank Alex Rodriguez for distracting us from everything else, at least for a short while.

!neppah stnediccAAccidents happen!

2009-02-16T14:11:00.005-05:00

Two submarines operating in the vastness of the ocean collide. Likewise, two satellites orbiting in the even greater vastness of space find themselves in the same place at the same time.

Back on earth two people, each presuming to be the featured speaker, meet at the podium.

Okay, maybe the third 'collision' hasn't happened yet. But, as I've said before, we should never attend any presentation without being ready to share the floor, however briefly. It may be a good opportunity to reach potential colleagues and customers.

In that way, they'll know us the next time we, uh, run into them!

As we (mostly) celebrate Darwin's 200th anniversary ...

2009-02-11T11:05:00.007-05:00

If the author of evolution were here to witness the modern behavior of homo sapiens, he might question his own theory.

Anyway, on a trip to the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo last fall, I sensed that many species continue to evolve on their own. Click on the slideshow and see for yourself.

They could call it No Child's Red Behind

2009-02-10T10:29:00.000-05:00

Ohio Governor Ted Strickland has proposed a statewide ban on the paddling of unruly students. Thanks a lot. We could have used that in Sister Wrightcross's 7th grade class.

Just wondering ...

2009-02-09T10:29:00.003-05:00

Considering all of the legislative fulminating over the stimulus bill, is that what they mean by "shovel-ready?" Or should it be "shovel-necessary?"

Impressing an audience of many ... or one

2009-02-04T12:49:00.004-05:00

Someone like our president, Barack Obama, has no problem addressing millions. But many people avoid speaking in public out of shyness, regardless of the size of the audience.

I know how they feel. I once sat for 45 minutes in a doctor's waiting room before approaching the receptionist's window. "Uh, did you forget about me?" (She had.)

So I've always been envious of people who can talk to anybody anytime anywhere. Those with instinctive sales ability, for example.

My father was such a person. He could make the smallest of small talk interesting. Once, as he went door-to-door raising funds for my school (Can you imagine a worse job?) a prospect opened her door just long enough to say, "Beat it." But it was also long enough for my dad to head her off with, "That's a beautiful rug!"

"Oh, well, thank you," the lady replied. Now the threshold was wide open and they were discussing the design, the knap and the rug's many other attributes. And now it was my dad's turn to say, "Thank you," as he slipped her check for $100 into the campaign envelope.

As I said, it came naturally for my father. But anyone can speak more confidently with a little preparation. It starts with a script that has been written for the ear. Even if you're not going to read it to your audience, rehearsing the crux of your message will help you deliver it with greater effect.

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I'm going to take my own advice and be ready the next time I have to tap on a receptionist's window to see if anyone is still there.

"Could you tell the doctor something?" I'll say pleasantly. "While I've been waiting out here I couldn't help but notice:

"That's a beautiful rug!"

State of the State of the State Address

2009-01-29T10:29:00.003-05:00

"The state of our state is steadfast."

"Never, never underestimate the people of Ohio."

"The time has come for us to stare truth in the face."

"Our great state embodies the American experience. So too does our economy mirror the current American struggle."

"The people of Ohio have not failed, and in this moment of turmoil, we must not fail them."

Governor Ted Strickland had his rhetorical moments in his State of the State address yesterday.

Quoting Ralph Waldo Emerson, he said, "this is a very good time if we but know what to do with it."

I must admit, though, he had me holding my breath when he began his address with the story of OSU's football stadium.

During a "frightening" economic period, he noted, some visionaries built "... a stadium where [today] the eyes of the nation focus on fall Saturdays. A stadium that is the home of champions, the pride of our state, a living symbol of what we can accomplish together."

I thought, "My God, he's going to stimulate the state's economy by replacing the stadium with a domed facility!"

Hmmm. Home of a future Super Bowl? Perhaps the 2016 Olympics? A giant casino in the basement?

But I still think he could come to our rescue with some personal derring-do.

Memo to Ohio Governor Strickland

2009-01-28T11:36:00.008-05:00

I know you're delivering your State of the State address shortly, but this advice remains relevant well into the future.

Ted, this is the time for bold, innovative tactics, and there are plenty of gubernatorial examples, both current and past, on which you can draw. Here are but a few:

The late, legendary James Rhodes. He either served as or ran for Ohio's highest office over the course of four decades. Promoting the state on a mission to China, he flapped his arms like a bird, crowing "Wright brothers." On another occasion he urged everyone to drink an extra 16-ounce can of Ohio tomato juice, claiming it would create 2,000 jobs. Best of all, he proposed building a bridge to Canada across the middle of Lake Erie – although he hadn't bothered to ask the Canadians about it.

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. He's throwing himself on the hot grille of public ridicule and no one seems to understand his motive, which is to totally take the minds of the state's citizens off the economy, the wars and Chicago gridlock. Every day they get comic relief right on the front page.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura. How could you listen to either of them giving the most boring address without thinking of Arnold slaughtering his enemies or Jesse hurling his out of the ring? Once again, smiles all around.

You more than anyone in the state can take our minds off our problems. Maybe it's not professional rassling, celluloid sadism or pure buffoonery, but I'm sure you'll think of something.

(A necessary footnote to Rhodes: Unfortunately he spoiled his reputation as Ohio's court jester by making an incendiary speech to the national guardsmen at Kent State in 1970, priming them for the May 4 tragedy that ensued the following day.)

Barack Obama's inaugural address

2009-01-20T15:13:00.006-05:00

The words President Barack H. Obama spoke in his inaugural address may still be echoing across the Mall in Washington DC. The effective, efficient speech touched on many different issues and "spoke" to many different peoples.

Even though President Obama and his speechwriters didn't call me for assistance they may have visited this blog because they followed much of the advice I would have given. They made extensive use of the principle of 3's which gives a speech body without making it tedious. I counted 13 usages, starting with the very first sentence:

"I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors."

The president also made the more important statements in the active voice:

"... we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America ... we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals ... we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.'

In fact, one of the only edits I would have made was a key statement in which the passive voice crept in. Discussing the challenges we face he said, "But know this, America, they will be met." I would have recommended something like, "... we will meet these challenges - squarely, courageously and successfully."

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All in all, not a bad inaugural, Mr. President. Of course, if you need any help in the future - i.e., on the State of the Union message - you know where to find me.

'Truth is stranger than ...' department

2009-01-17T11:44:00.005-05:00

So I come up with a quip on the Hudson River miracle (see 'TARP' below), how bank executives rushed to the scene when they heard someone yell "Bailout!" Then I open today's newspaper to learn that the US Airways passenger list included 23 Bank of America employees. It may have helped the rescue transpire so smoothly – they had already been through something like this.

Where's the TARP when you need it?

2009-01-15T19:05:00.013-05:00

No sooner had the US Airways plane ditched in the Hudson River, it was surrounded by boats, rescue teams – and people in expensive suits.

Not surprising. Nowadays wherever anyone is getting bailed out you're sure to find bank executives.

Memo to Barack Obama

2009-01-14T21:28:00.002-05:00

With only days left before your inauguration, I thought it might be helpful if I summarized the keys to effective speechmaking.

Nervousness. Don't look at me that way. I know you've presented at heated community meetings, spoken on the floor of the Senate and made innumerable appearances during the longest election campaign in history. But as President of the United States you can have an immediate impact on world events with everything you say. You're bound to be keyed up -- God, I hope you'll be keyed up -- so turn that tension into energy.

Delivery. Your predecessor never varied his approach: He would deliver a sentence, pause for exactly 3 seconds, deliver another sentence in exactly the same tone, pause again, and so on. He or his handlers may have thought it presidential. In broadcasting they call it dead air. You can do better. Change your pace, your tone of voice and your body language to emphasize the key points in your message.

Preparation. Whether you or your speechwriters draft it, read every statement several times aloud, including your own edits. This will help ensure your speech is written for the ear. Besides, you're not riding in coach anymore so there's no one to bother.

See other helpful hints in my speechwriting primer at left. And good luck.

The sands of time

2009-01-07T10:59:00.002-05:00

Just read about the oceanographer who is making a name for himself by studying sand collected from beaches across the world.

Who knew that spring break might turn into a career in research?

A literary Twelve Days of Christmas

2008-12-30T12:01:00.009-05:00

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me

Twelve authors writing
Eleven playrights playing
Ten bloggers blogging
Nine poets slamming
Eight speakers speaking
Seven flacks a-flacking
Six agents selling

Five editors

Four journalists
Three critics
Two biographers

And a publisher pub-a-lishing!